Cross stitch is the bastard stepchild of modern crafting.

For my opening rant, I’m going to share with you how cross stitch takes a backseat to most modern crafts, by using stereotypes, caps lock, and some cursing. If these things offend you, well, then, that’s your own fucking problem.

When you think of knitting, what comes to mind? I think of some hipster girl with half a multicolored scarf sticking out of her messenger bag. She’s making it for her whiny boyfriend, or maybe for a member of his equally whiny band. Maybe she’s wearing a bandanna in her hair, or some of those fucking trendy black-rimmed glasses. Either way, the message is: Knitting is cool, because cool people like it! And when you think of crochet, what comes to mind? Probably the same fucking thing, except substitute “scarf” for “afghan;” “boyfriend” for “girlfriend;” and “fucking trendy black-rimmed glasses” for “kickin’ crocheted headscarf that in no way makes her look like an old woman.”

Side note — Dear lesbians who don’t read this blog (because no one reads this blog): Don’t send me angry emails about how your sexuality has nothing whatsoever to do with your choice of needlework. I’m not trying to piss you off specifically, I’m just making a fucking point.

Anyway, how about cross stitch? Grandmothers in rocking chairs, or that crazy fat woman at your workplace who has about ten cats and no significant other. Her cube is probably decorated with motivational posters and little framed cross stitch pieces that say things like “There’s no such thing as too much chocolate!” or “My cats are my kids!” or some shit like that.

An unfair stereotype, you think? I posit that probably about 75% of cross stitch devotees do one, if not all, of these things. Young, hip people don’t do cross stitch for one major reason –

IT TAKES TOO MUCH FUCKING TIME.

Not only do you need to make one complete stitch for the base part of the X, you need to do it again going the other fucking way! Two stitches to make one complete cross stitch — I guess that’s just too fucking much for some people.

Now, the time aspect is one of the things that I love most about cross stitch, because to me, the time you spend on something is what makes it really worthwhile. I’m also a big fan of delayed gratification and working hard at something for a while before it pays off — that must be why I went to grad school. But seriously, though, it takes a long-ass time before cross stitch projects really begin to look like what they’re supposed to look like, and in today’s fast-paced instant-gratification society, that can be tough to deal with. In contrast, you can knit a scarf in a couple of days, if you really want to. And there’s a reason that the “Mile-a-Minute” afghan pattern is so fucking popular.

Another thing that I love about cross stitch is the Zen-like meditation aspect of it. It can be enormously soothing to take a pile of random thread and slowly turn it into something orderly and beautiful. (Yes, yes, you can do this with knitting and crochet, too.) There’s something about those little Xs marching across the cloth that speaks to my sense of order and propriety. Maybe I’m secretly a pointillist.

What I’m suggesting is that if you’re at all interested in fiber arts of any type, try cross stitch out. You might discover that you really like it. At least give it a shot before going back to knitting your subversive whatever-the-fuck-you’re- making projects.